And, now it's too late for a soliloquy, it's way too late for dignity.

Because it's been forever ..

Tue, 17 Jun 2008 17:38:09 GMT

So, I liked New Kids On The Block when I was growing up, I was young, but I still liked their music, but uh ... this totally made me cringe. That's ... really all I have to say about that.

I don't really have much time for soaps these days, but ... I've been hardcore into Days of our Lives as of late, and these two are totally the reason why. Seriously, I encourage everyone to check them out. The soaps have been sorely lacking in hotness as of late, and good romance, and for their age difference, which is pretty big, they bring a whole new level of hot to daytime, and I guess they've pretty much consumed my life.

You know how sometimes people on your friend's list post about stuff going on in their life, and all of a sudden you think "Wait a minute? Since when are they working there? Since when are they dating him? since when?" And then you wonder how you could have missed all that seemingly pretty standard information, but somehow you feel too ashamed to ask for clarification because it seems like info you should already know? It happens to all of us sometimes.

Please copy mine below, erase my answers putting yours in their place then post it in your journal! Please elaborate on the questions that would benefit from elaboration! One-word answers seldom help anyone out.

1. First name: Lexy

2. Age: 22

3. Location: White Plains, New York. It's just a little over the Brooklyn bridge.

4. Occupation: No, and it's not that I've never really tried to get one, it's just, there is SO much going on in my life right now with my kids, and school, and I'm not really hurting in the financial department, so I don't really see the need for one.

5. Partner?: I ... have a fiance. I guess he's alright. We get along, and we're talking so much better these days, but he loves to distance himself from home, and bury himself in his work, so that's a problem right now with us.

6. Kids: I have five of them. Dacia, Arabella, Christopher, Leila, and Aiden. And, each one is so entirely different from the other, and there's not a single child I favor. I'll ALWAYS have a special place for Dacia in my heart though, because she's my firstborn, and she changed my life in so many ways, and I will always love her so incredibly much, and I'll always miss her.

7. Brothers/Sisters: Well, I am ... I believe the 9th child of 16 siblings. And, now I'm like ... 20 years older than the youngest sibling, it's ... whack. All but three of us are adopted, and out of those 16, two of those siblings are my biological siblings, Liza-Veta, and Dimitri. I rarely talk to my brother, and my sister and I aren't getting along these days at all, so that relationship is a lost cause. The oldest sibling in my family, Nikius (who I just call Nicky) he blames me for everything that has gone wrong in my family, and we don't talk at all, I've never met someone who hates their sister as much as he hates me (I'm sure there's plenty of bro/sis relationships out there like that, though), and he does for some reason, but his attitude towards me, is just beyond ignorant. I have a lot of sisters that I don't really talk to, and the one that I'm closest to is probably Talia, because when our brother Echo died (they're actually biological siblings, soo ...) she was the only one I felt that actually gave a damn. My whole family, in terms of brothers/sisters is so messed up, and confusing, and growing up in such a crowded house was a complete nightmare. I always said I wasn't going to have a lot of kids because I didn't want my children to grow up like that, but out of all my siblings, I'm the one that has the most childlren.

8. Pets: I have four dogs, and one cat. And two rabbits. My pride and joy, is my Siberian Husky, Maeja, and I've had her since she was a puppy, she's 12 years old, and the thing with her is, she is Dacia's mirror. Right around the time that Dacia was diagnosed with Osteosarcoma, two weeks later, Maeja was diagnosed with osteochondrosis, which is basically a bone cancer, but for dogs, and much like Dacia's situation, she was given a year or so to live, and as Dacia got worse, so did she, and up until Dacia died, she never left side. Well, after Dacia's death, Maeja started getting so much better, and it's nearly a year and a half later, and she's still going strong, so I couldn't be anymore happier about that. My other dog, is a dachsund, she's two, she was Dacia's dog, and her name is Chara. She gets on my absolute nerves, she barks way too much, and she's a trouble maker -- hence why I know she's definitely Dacia's dog. She's fun to have around, though. She's highly entertaining. My other two dogs are yorkies, same litter, sisters, and their names are Zoe and Rhea. They're so adorable, and my fiance hates them, which makes it even better. And my two holland lops, who ... I actually let rome the house from time to time, are named Luka and Charlie. They're so soft, and cuddly, and I've never know rabbits to be cuddly! My cat, I don't even really bother with him, since he a huge, huge snob, that I never even see. I know he's around this house somewhere, but the last time I saw Billy Miller (yes that is his whole name), he was hiding under my son's bed two weeks ago, so ... I guess maybe he's still hibernating there.

9. List the 3-5 biggest things going on in your life:

1. Wedding planning- I never thought I'd get to it, but I'm having a lot of fun with it. It's a nice distraction from the sometimes huge elephant in the room, and I'm enjoying trying on wedding dresses. I've tried on about 15, and I've disliked pretty much every single one of them, but I'll find the right one. It's just a mater of me not being picky. Which I am.

2. Dance Solo- So, this is my official LAST dance solo I have until next year, and I'm working my BUTT OFF just to get through it, and I'm still so picky when it comes to choosing the songs, and whatnot, but I'm having fun with choreographing everything, and, my two year old has even joined in the fun with me, it's been entertaining to watch him shake that little booty of his. But, I'm putting a lot of effort into this, and I was chosen once again to do the dance solo, so it makes me feel proud, and honored, and excited, so I can't wait.

3. Christopher's cochlear ear implants! - This one BEYOND excites me. I've been doing sign language with Christopher ever since he was five months old, and he's just such a pro at it now, and I couldn't be more proud of him, and we were told that we would have to wait until he was three to have the surgery, but we got the all clear about a week ago from his doctor, and his surgery is next week, and I'm so excited. He's never heard my voice before, and yeah, it'll be automated, and whatnot, but I just cannot wait for him to actually HEAR something. So, I'm hoping and praying that the implants take, and that this won't throw him off track.

10. Parents?: Okay, so ... here is the deal with that. I was adopted, most people on my friends list know that. I do know my biological mother, funny thing is, she's like, 20 years older than me, tries to act my age, and JUST had another baby. I say good luck with that, because if she couldn't raise her first three children, than I don't know what makes her think that she'll be able to raise this child. It's really hard to give her any praise because of what she did to me and my brother and sister, but she's trying right now, and making a name, other than her hooker one, for herself. As for my adoptive parents, they ARE my parents. My mother drives me absolutely crazy, but I love her, and she's given me a good life, and she gave me a home when I was just 6 months old, and I am so grateful for that. Her and my adoptive father were so picture perfect, and it hit her hard when he died when I was 7. She's changed a lot since then, so has her attitude towards me, but she's still my mother, and I'm still her daughter, so that'll never change. I miss my father soo much, because he just cared, and had a big heart, and him being gone has changed our family so much. My mother remarried when I was 10, and I love my stepfather, I do, I welcomed him into the family, he embraced every single one of my siblings as his own, and he's tried so hard to be a great father. But, those are my parents. All ... four of them.

11. Who are some of your closest friends?: I actually have A LOT more online friends, than I do actual REAL LIFE friends. My one real life best friend is probably my fiance's ex girlfriend, Chloe, I met her when they were dating at 14, we weren't really friends, and he chose me over her, so she ended up hating me, and then after Dacia was born, and Tony left, she was the only one that really stepped up, and helped me, and became close to me, so I will be forever grateful for her friendship. She's Dacia's god mother, actually, I think she's the god mother to all my children, and she's probably really the only friend I have. I have a few from dance class, and I occasionally get together with them, but she is probably the only one who is nearest, and dearest to me.

"And, there's always been heartache and pain. And when it's over, you'll breathe again."

Mon, 02 Jul 2007 15:58:50 GMT

So, um, me and my boyfriend broke up.

Yup. I believe that's what we did. The decision was not mutual, but it's definitely for the best, because I need time to adjust to being a new mother all over again, without there just being this huge elephant in the room all the time, because of past issues. And, I wasn't getting what I wanted out of the relationship, and it was selfish of me to ask him to do things that I knew he couldn't do for me. I have no idea what's going to happen after this, but I'm going to take it one day at a time, and focus on being the best mother I can be. I'm not going to lie and say that none of this hurts me, 'cause it does, but the loss of Dacia has impacted our relationship, and I just fear that without her, nothing will be like it used to be. He's a drug junkie, and as much as I want to kick his ass for hurting me, and not even trying to get clean for his kids, I refrained from doing so, because it'll only make things worse in the long run.

I'm feeling a little better, though. I watched, "Music and Lyrics" with my sister, and I absolutely loved it. Why didn't I see this movie sooner?! And, I also watched, "Catch and Release", which is tres amazing. I didn't think it was possible to be as obsessed with a movie as I am with these two. Plus, drowning my sorrows in ice cream is so cliche, and I wasn't up for that. No. So, I drowned them in romantic comedies, and it helped!

Oh, and did FF really need that stupid software update? It's not like it's going to make that stupid 3am database error go away. I NEED MY FF BACK! It helps keep me sane.

"Do you know what it feels like to be the last one to know that the lock on the door has changed?"

Sun, 20 May 2007 22:48:57 GMT

So, my fiance called our wedding off. Obviously he's not my fiance anymore. Boyfriend, I guess? We didn't break up, but we have been at each other all weekend, and the only argument I agree with him is, is that we are two different people from what we once were when we were teenagers. He told me that it's not that he doesn't love me, because he does, but that he's in love with the idea of who I was when he left me four years ago, and that I'm not the Anastasyia he left, but instead, I'm Lexy, a full time mother, and before we can get married, he has to get know the person I am now, instead of the girl that he left behind. He was in such a rush to propose to me because he had me, and he didn't want to lose me, but the second he had me, he was losing me anyhow, because we just couldn't find any common ground, and we just don't know who each other is anymore. He's a recovering drug addict, and it worries me sometimes that he still could be on drugs, but I guess I have to trust that with three kids now at home, he's since laid off of them.

People think that he's such a bad guy, but he's not. Not one bit. I trust him with my children, and he was a great father to our daughter. But, he's also an oil heir. One of many, at least. And, it bothers me so much to have to tell people that I am not with him for his money. When we first started dating, he kept that from me, so obviously, it proves that I couldn't have started dating him for his money. He's a bucketful of issues right now, since he's still dealing with the loss of his father, and inheriting a lot of money, plus, he's a new father. It's best that our wedding was called off, because we need time to get to know each other, and discover who the other is all over again.

On the front side, Leila and Arabella are coming home sometime within the next week and a half. My poor C.J., though, he's still battling with a chest infection, so please, everyone keep him in your prayers! I have a few pictures, though, so if anyone wants to see, just let me know!

"You said you didn't need me, but you did."

Thu, 19 Apr 2007 00:26:26 GMT

So, um, apparently I became the topic of gossip at NYU over my little college break. And people wonder why I'm going to drop out. It pisses me off that Tony didn't bother to tell me that I was being talked about while I was gone. I guess I had to learn the hard way, and that's what I did.

I had just finished my visual communications concepts class, which might I add, was like, the most boring thing I ever had to sit through, and I'm not one that generally listens when someone is speaking. So, I pretty much zoned out. Anyways, after my communications class, I hightailed it over to the library, which you know, is probably not the prettiest sight. I mean, who wants to see a pregnant woman practically sprinting across campus just to get to the library? And, on top of that, the damn library has to be all the way across the campus from where my VCU class was. I'm telling you, I just have all the luck. To continue, I had to go to the library to pick up a book for my public relations class, for I had a thesis that was due within 48 hours. I figured I would just stay at the library because it was quiet there, and I didn't think I'd be bothered. I sat down at a table and started to take notes, and about 10 minutes later I hear, "How do you pronounce her name? It's not pronounced, 'AnastaYsia', is it?" To clear that up, the way she said my name was, "Ana (as in Anna) Stay (as in well, STAY), and SIA (as in . .CYA). Yeah, that's not how my name is pronounced. Her friend replies back to her, "Why don't you just ask her? She can probably hear us anyways. Besides, Tony told me that she's bitter because of Bella's death, so I doubt she's answer you, nor would she even talk to you in the first place." By that time, I was trying not to let what they were saying get to me, because I didn't need their nonsense, but it did piss me off that they knew who Tony was, as well as me, and they had knew of my daughter's death. So, I went back to minding my own business, or as best as I could, but their talking was as loud as a freight train, and I hear, "Bryan beat her up didn't, he? That's why they broke up, right? I talked to him about three months ago, and he's so sweet. I bet she lied. I don't see a single bruise on her. I do feel bad for her children, though, because I bet those babies aren't even Tony's." I'm Lexy, I'm hormonal, and I never let a moment pass me by to get in someone's face, so, I did just that.

If you're going to talk about someone, make it a little less obvious, and try not to be such a freaking blond about it. That just irks me so much. Not to stereotype or anything, but half of NYU's student body is full of little sorority girls, who cannot keep their mouths shut. I'm not one of those girls, and if you piss me off, I will get in your face. So, I proceeded to put all my books into my bag, and I walked over to the ecology section, which is where they were pretending to not work, or most likely discussing what color their nails should be painted that week. I tried my hardest to rid of my accent, but it stayed, and I probably sounded like my mom, but at least I was getting my point across. As I approached them, I tapped the red head on her shoulder, and in the most polite, yet smart ass way, I believe I said, "You bimbos want something? Maybe a little 411. 'Cause, I've got to go on the hunt for my babies daddy, and then I've got an appointment with my ex, so he can beat my brains in. Next time you want to know something about me, you ask. Say everything a little louder, because I'm sure the folks in good ol' London didn't hear you. You don't know me, I don't know you. Lets keep it that way. And more especially, you didn't know my daughter, and damn, if she knew you, guaranteed she'd tell you that you're gross, and that that you're hygiene needed to be worked on. And just a little FYI, I'm bitter because of people like you two that get on my one third nerve, and I bet you can't even tell me what that is. So, before you decide to start talking about me so openly, in a library, where you're supposed to be doing your studying, and keeping your mouth shut anyways, just know that gossip will get you nowhere in life. It might be why I'm sporting the ring, and you're not."

Eh. Scopi quello. Sono una femmina che ormonale non desiderate scompigliare con.

Seriously, what is this world coming to? I have one happy day, and the next day is complete shit. I sometimes wonder about the mentality of some people.

Oh, and little more FYI on me, since I obviously love sharing my personal business. My actual name is pronounced, Ana - (the A is silent, and is pronounced like the name, "Anya", like on Buffy, just minus the Y), Stas - (um, once again, the A is silent, and it sounds like Sasha, but, it's, "Stas" instead), Yia - (The Y is silent, and is pronounced like an E, and, "ia" sounds like "eya"). It's one hell of a complicated name, but you can obviously tell I am not from this country. My middle name is, "Alexzandra", which is where my nickname, "Lexy" stems from. It's easier, and a heck of lot less complicated. And to also set the record straight, yes, I have four children, and my son has a different father then all of the rest, but that was beyond my control, and if you're smart enough to know what that means, well kudos to you. I was in an abusive relationship with my ex boyfriend, and while most people in my situation would probably rather stay far away from their psycho exes, I don't. I believe in second chances, and I don't believe in holding grudges. He is my son's father, and while I can't stand him at all for anything that he did to me, one thing people should know about me, is that while I may be a bitch, I'm extremely forgiving. I never lied about being abused, and if those slutty bimbos had realized that the only reason I didn't have bruises on me, is because I've been out of that relationship for almost a year now, and obviously, my bruises would be gone. I guess it takes one blond to know the other. Oy.

Thu, 15 Feb 2007 06:42:00 GMT

"But the truth is plain to see, she was sent to rescue me."

Through my tears, it's becoming increasingly obvious that I should not be sitting at my computer 10 minutes after my daughter has just died, but I deal with things very differently, and right now, the only way I can deal with the fact that I just had to say goodbye to my daughter, and hand her over to a complete stranger, is by writing this entry.

I had one hell of a messed up life. I was born in Russia to a hooker, and placed on a doorstep because I was not wanted. When I finally was wanted, I was adopted into a family with 13 children. Shortly after, I witnessed the murder of my adoptive father, and I went psychotic, so much so, that I stabbed my older brother, and was placed in a mental institution. Let me tell you just how fun that was. After my little visit to the psych ward, my mother thought best to move me here, and we did, and I met my now fiance, who actually saved my life, because if he hadn't caught me before I fell, I would have hit my head on a big, metal pipe, and I would have died. I despised him because he was your typical everyday charmer, who probably only wanted one thing, and that was to get inside your pants. I was right, because he was a thirteen year old non virgin, and he had a girlfriend, yet he was hitting on me. According to him, there were reasons for that, and it wasn't because he thought I was hot. It's because I was the first girl that didn't want him. The first girl that saw past that bad boy exterior, and saw him for who he really was, which was just a scared, and alone, yet filthy rich teenage boy. Even after he kissed me in a coat closet at my 13th birthday party, I still didn't want him, despite the fact that he was a greek oil heir. I had turned him down, and I was so god awful mean to him, yet somehow, he kept coming back, and to this day, I'll never know exactly why. When I became his friend, he offered to walk me to school, and I said no, yet he walked with me anyways. In awkward silence. And maybe, that's all that I needed. In some weird way, it was all I needed to fall for him. And I did just that.

I'll never know why I decided to lose my virginity (YES! I'm spilling about that on here. Shush. It's really no secret anyways, since most know I'm a young mother) at 14, but I did. And looking back, it was the best thing, because it brought me my daughter. I got pregnant when I was 15 years old. I always just assumed I had the flu, and was too scared to think it would be anything other than that. But it was. I waited 4 months to tell everyone, including my boyfriend, that I was pregnant. It was a stupid move on my part, but I figured what the hell? I'm not showing anyways. And I wasn't. Not until I was 7 months pregnant. I told my boyfriend in a note that I was pregnant. I don't know what the hell I was thinking, but that's what I did. I obviously scared the shit out of him, but ..he was actually happy about it. Two weeks later, he did a complete 180, and he took off. And, because of that, I was not able to be the mother to my daughter that I should have been for the first two years of her life.

                             Rest In Peace, Bella


Not that you can see this, or anything, but ..I need to let all out now. I love you more than life itself. More than I've ever loved another person. More than I ever thought possible to love someone. Before you, my life with your father was a disaster, and things were constantly going left, when they should have been going right. When I was pregnant, I didn't think I had it in my to be a mother, because of the things my own mother had done. I was so scared. When you were born, I couldn't even look at you, because you reminded me so much of your father, and how much I missed him. I chose a freaking boy over you, and I'm so sorry! I'm sorry that I took you to the adoption agency, but I'm not sorry that I stopped myself from signing those papers. I did almost get an abortion, and I most likely would have gotten one if they hadn't of told me that I was actually too pregnant. I was a horrible, horrible mother to you. I somehow managed to give you a name, but after that, I couldn't come to terms with the fact that I was someone's mother. Your mother.

And then you smiled at me. It was the day that I brought you to school for child development, and I was going to share with everyone "my sister", but you laughed, and while I'm pretty sure that it was just gas, you smiled at me, and you had my smile, and something in me just clicked. I was your mother. YOUR MOTHER. I had to say it out loud a few times, but ..I loved the sound of it. I loved knowing that you were a big part of me. You always will be.



I swore that after that day, I was going to be a very committed mother. And I was. At your second birthday party, you called me mama, and it was the best thing I ever heard, because the doctor's told me that you would never talk, and you proved them wrong. You proved them wrong by winning all those ribbons for child gymnastics, and I'am so very proud of you. While you had your moments of being a brat, I will never forget our conversations, or all of the witty things that you said. Those things are the ones that I'am going to cherish forever, Dacia.

"You cannot go and tell someone that they smell, honey. It's not very nice. It's mean."
"If someone smells bad, I'm going to tell them that they do. It'd be mean not too, because than they would just walk around smelling like feet."

"Bryan told me how I was made. Sex. What is it?"

"Daddy smells like bad smoke. Tell him to take a shower."

"Anastasia reminds me of you, Mommy. I watch her, and I think of you."

"When you told me that you loved me to heaven and back, well, that is how much I love you, Mommy. And, when you miss me, I'll miss you more."

It's impossible to ever forget you, Dacia. You showed me that life is not what you make of it, and that you should live everyday to the fullest. Maybe what Veta said was right, and you truly were just sent here to be my guardian angel, and now that your job is done, it's your time to go. You're my daughter, and I will never be truly ready to let you go, but ..I had to to, and I did. You still had so much left to do in your life, but these past 4 years were the best of mine. I'll will cherish every single moment that I spent with you, and not a day will go by that I won't think of you. You're in my heart, baby. Words cannot express how much I miss you, and how different life is going to be without you, but ..I do know that you wouldn't want me to be sad. I know you're looking out for me, and your father, and your brothers and sisters. Well, whatever their gender will be. You were the best big sister to Aiden, and when he's older, I will share with him everything about his older sister. Daddy loves you, too. He feels very guilty for only getting to spend a short time, but don't think he doesn't love you, because he does. Remember how much you told him that you loved him? Well, that's how much he loves you. No one will ever take your place, Dacia. I miss you, but I know that you're in a better place, and will be looking out for us.

I love you to heaven, and back.

"You'll always be my little goober, Dacia Arabella. Don't ever forget that."

October 8th 2002 - February 14th, 2007

Sat, 27 Jan 2007 04:04:14 GMT

Comment to be added.
Well maybe. Only if I like you.
And chances are, if I don't know you, well, you're shit out of luck.

Wed, 24 Jan 2007 21:53:26 GMT

Venting below. It's also my first journal entry, and I have a lot to say, so beware.

Not a lot of people know about this, because I don't talk about it a lot, but my daughter, Dacia, who is 4, has been diagnosed with Osteosarcoma, which is a form of bone cancer. She's also autistic on top of that. Well, mildly. I spoil her, naturally, so I gave her a horse for Christmas, which she decided to name "Chemo." Yeah, I found that odd, too. Over the last few months, she has had trouble breathing, so she had to be on oxygen, and adding to that, she has also lost all her hair. So, she gets a few stares when we go out, and that really upsets her. I decided to see a specialist at St. Jude, which is a children's hospital that deals specifically with childhood cancer. I've been in Tennessee for the past week (I have an accent, which is Russian, but I love the way they speak down here. Anyone who has a southern accent care to trade?) because Dacia had to have surgery to relieve the pressure on her lungs, because the cancer had spread. The surgery had helped in that area, and I was relieved, but shortly after, I was criticized by a mother, who's son was dying of bone cancer. She called me a bad mother for not sitting by my daughter's bedside 24/7, and than she proceeded to tell me that I was too young to be a mother. Before I go on, here's a little backstory for you all. I was adopted into a home with 16 kids in Sparta, Greece, but I'am originally from St. Petersburg, Russia. I hate my given name. Ask, and I'll tell you what it is, because I hate typing it. My biological mother was a hooker, and that's how I was conceived (awesome, right?), so she had no choice but to give me up. I wasn't too fond of Europe, nor was I too fond of my brother's and sisters, so I moved here, to the U.S, and I now live in NYC, which I hate. After moving here, I met my now fiance, and he knocked me up when I was 15 years old, and I had a baby at 16. Thus making me 20 years old with a 4 year old. He abandoned me and my daughter, and I didn't know where he went. Whatever. I was fine with that, because than I met someone else, and got knocked up again. WAY TO GO, LEXY! I broke up with him, though, because he had a problem with putting his hands on me (and not in a good way), and then my ex came back. I held a grudge, but I soon forgave him. We're getting married in October, and I'm having twins in July. Yes, I'am prone to getting pregnant!

The lady who had criticized me for being a bad mother lost her son yesterday morning, and that scared me deeply, which in turn led me to playing 20 questions with my daughter's doctor. He was very hesitant, and I was worried about that. He advised me to take her off of chemo because the radiation was killing the new cells that she needed, and it wasn't helping. But, without the chemo, she won't make it another 5-6 months. With the chemo, she'll make it another two years, but it will be painful because of the bones protruding, and the sickness from the side effects of chemo. This was a very hard decision for me and my fiance to make, but we chose to take her off of chemo, and let her live those 5-6 months pain free.

Right now, I'm holding out for a miracle to happen. It's doubtful, since she is young, and her body is to weak to fight, but ..I'am in the denial stage as of now, so a miracle is welcomed.

Forgive my venting. I just rambeled.